The Journey Out of Abuse: Part 3

Mindset.

Before we talk about strategy let’s talk about mindset. It’s something I heard very little about when I was looking for help out of my abusive marriage but I can tell you it is extremely important so we are going to make some time to discuss it here. A strategy is only as good as the strength of the mindset behind it. Let me explain.

You need to have the right perspective moving forward because things are about to get really messy and confusing. When you leave someone who has been abusive there is a lot of psychological warfare that happens, this is part of why it’s so hard for women to leave and stay out.

Did you know on average it takes women 9 times of attempted leaving to actually stay out of an abusive marriage?

My goal here is to help you get out and stay out. This is also why part 2 of this series is so vital, you need to be very clear on your position of leaving or staying. If you need a refresher, you can find Part 2 here. Remember if you are staying, you stay with a strategy to leave. And if you are leaving then you need to be committed to do so.

Often times when we start to find the idea of leaving imperative, the strangest things happen. They know. Your spouse, boyfriend, they know. Maybe not consciously but they can feel the emotional shut down that your heart has entered. This exchange of emotions can cause them to alter their behaviors in many ways, but to name a few:

  • They start to “love bomb” and engage in positive emotional exchanges with you.
  • They increase control.
  • They look to instill fear, fear of what will happen if you leave or fear that you won’t survive without them.
  • They increase abuse. This is one of the most dangerous. It’s as if they know they lost you, this taps into a deep fear for them and they react in anger. This anger can be very violent.

Creating the right Mindset.

While you will likely experience the behavior listed above from your partner the good news is that you can be prepared ahead of time. When I was leaving, I found it very helpful to be practical, logical and take my emotions and place them on the backseat for a time. Here are some tips for crafting a strong mindset so your strategy out is as successful as possible.

#1: Don’t give second chances. The time of “getting out” is often very tumultuous for a number of reasons but one that you can control is your emotions. And they are likely going to be at their peak, because as soon as your partner starts to feel your distance they will likely attempt any of the behaviors listed above invoking….. you guessed it? Emotion. If their strategy is to love bomb, bear in mind that now is not the time to be thinking of second (or 3rd, 4th, 5th or 8th) chances, now is about you and your kids (if kids are involved).

The reality is your situation will likely go to court and if any chances are to be given down the road you will have the opportunity to entertain that idea……now is not the time. Decide ahead of time that no second chances will be given at this point. The trust you had with them has been broken and must be rebuilt it is not to be given freely, it must be earned. Earning it will take effort on their part and time will be essential to prove a changed behavior.

#2: Trust yourself. Trust that you have done the work to know that leaving (or again choosing to stay with a strategy to leave at a moment’s notice) is in the best interest of you and your children. You have consulted others, you have sought secondary opinions, you have watched their behavior objectively, you have completed a solid evaluation of your safety and the safety of your kids. You are deciding to leave, you have ALREADY decided. Stick to your plan, trust yourself. You have done the work to get here, be proud of you. Freedom is near.

#3: They are your enemy. This is probably one of the most valuable pieces of information I can give someone who is leaving. Knowing that they are your enemy doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, it means that they have created themselves to be an enemy of safety to you and your kids. Could they be safe again? Maybe one day. Could they be the person you fell in love with? Maybe one day. Could they be a good, loving father to your kids? Maybe one day. But not today, today they are the enemy because that’s who they have chosen to become.

I cannot stress enough how much your mindset matters, you aren’t going through a breakup, or just walking away… you are leaving likely one of the most volatile and/or violent people you’ve ever known. You are standing for the safety of your kids, you are taking a stand against abuse and control. You are forging the way to freedom for your kids and yourself. Be proud. You are a warrior mama, stay in the fight. Stay strong. Freedom is coming, and you are so close.