I remember back when I filed the first restraining order. Everything was still so new. I hadn’t grown up around anyone with severe mental health issues and so what can happen was still taking effect. I remember feeling that there was still hope and the truth is, I honestly believe there likely was. You see, I’m of the belief that regardless how terrible the mental health diagnosis, people can change. I see a God who is redemptive and humans who have amazing neuroplasticity to alter their behaviors. However, I would learn over the next few months that sometimes even then people still don’t choose to make the changes they need to make to keep the ones they love safe from themselves.

My ex-husband had told me countless times that he would not change but then there would be moments when the counseling really seemed to help and he seemed to be different in a good way. Those moments gave me hope.

Now, I know there’s people out there would argue that it’s all a play and that he was just being a “narcissist”, that it’s a normal tactic of an abuser to create good times so they can keep you on the hook… I’ll never actually know if it was intentional or not. What I do know is that trauma can cause people to become something they were never born to be, it can change they way their brain works and in severe cases it can actually cause them to lose the part of their brain that enables someone to be accountable. This last effect is the most dangerous to the idea of reconciliation because it’s at this point that they no longer truly recognize their behavior and will likely continue to cause a cycle of violence and damage to those closest to them.

So what are we supposed to do as individuals involved in life with someone who neurologically can’t admit to themselves or others their need for help? Or what if they can but they are simply unwilling to? What if we can’t actually know for a fact what’s going on in their brain to know the difference?

I had an amazing therapist ask me at one point, a question that truly changed the way I thought of whether I should stay or leave and that is this: Can you ever feel safe with him again? And even further, do you believe he is capable of being safe?

I had an amazing therapist ask me at one point, a question that truly changed the way
I thought of whether I should stay or leave and that is this: Can you ever feel safe with him again?

For me, I couldn’t nor did I believe he was capable of becoming safe. Once someone you love on the level of a spouse crosses deep lines of safety it becomes very difficult to recover. The night my ex-husband killed AK, something inside me flipped. He was violent before and dangerous before, but watching the man that my husband became that night was terrifyingly different. The violence turned into it’s darkest version of itself and abuse turned lethal. I knew that he had made a conscious decision to partner with the darkness that he had been fighting. I knew that the risk of staying was unreal, and it hit me like a billboard in the face. I could never let that lethal violence be upon my child. Never.

Just to be clear, I believe that God can redeem and that people can change but I also believe in choice and wisdom. God gave us free will. What will your spouse choose? What choice are they currently making? Do you feel safe? Can you feel safe again with them?

God gave us free will. What will your spouse choose?

These are all questions that only you can answer and no one can answer them for you.

I remember back in March (4 months prior to finally leaving) when I filed for the first protection order which ultimately ended in terminating the order, I received a lot of judgement from a lot of people. Some people couldn’t understand, others didn’t want to try. In some ways, it was crazy to see those who I expected would trust my decision so quickly doubt everything I’d ever been. The reality is, I felt that at that time it wasn’t right for two reasons.

First, the custody order granted from the courts was not favorable to my son, and there was no way I was going to leave him alone with someone who’s behavior had proven to be psychologically unstable. That’s my kid. That’s my whole world. And if you’re a mom, you get it. We would do anything for our children. The love of a mom literally knows no limits. So when I found out that the likelihood of custody that was going to protect my son wasn’t high, I knew I had to wait until I could legally take him with me.

Secondly, Daniel had told me that he didn’t understand his words and how they came across, he committed to counseling, he looked like he wanted to be better, for the sake of my heart, I knew that I had to give him this chance. I had to know I gave it everything I had, at least this was the story I told myself because really I just felt like I had no choice but to stay.

In hind sight, I can’t say I would’ve done it differently and here’s why. When your dealing with someone prone to massive outbursts unfortunately leaving is always messy, it’s simply a matter of trying to choose the option with less collateral damage. At that time, I didn’t know how I would get out, I just knew that I couldn’t leave my baby with him.

So to take this back to my original question: Is it over? Only you decide.

Look at all the moving parts, look at the legality, look at their behavior, look at their response, look at how their behavior makes you feel and how your kids feel then you decide. You’re the one who will live in the outcome so it’s very important that you first and foremost are confident in your decision.

If you decide to leave? Commit and leave. Don’t look back.

If you decide to stay? Have a solid exit strategy that you can act on. While I understand second chances, I also recognize that trust should not be granted freely, it must be earned. Don’t grant trust with a second chance, it could cost your life.

Read that again…

Don’t grant trust with a second chance, it could cost your life.

From one mom, one woman to another, hear me on this: If you choose to stay, stay with a strategy, stay with a plan, stay with a guard up and be ready to escape at a moment’s notice. If you stay be ready to leave.

Especially if you have already discovered that violence is imminent, a strategy can save your life.