You can make it.
I still remember…
It wasn’t too long after I left, but just long enough so people quit asking how I was doing. To most of the world I was safe, I was free….but the story of my world was much different. I was out, but I was struggling on every front. I had days where I wondered if it would ever change, if I would ever see light again, if I would ever remember what hope felt like…
Finances
How to make it financially:
When I left, I was 10 weeks pregnant and had a toddler…no one could tell me how I was going to make it financially. But I did. And here’s what I would tell you…
Build Your Credit
It’s not talked about as much as it should be, but do your best to build your credit before you leave. Credit is one of the most valuable resources you will have, when you don’t have an adequate income.
Save, Save, Save
Whenever you can save funds, do it. Then track it, as you being to keep a record of what you are saving you will change your mindset from the debt or legal fees you have incurred to the savings that you are growing.
Know Financial Laws
You may not have been responsible for the financial hand you were dealt in leaving your abusive marriage but I promise, there are a multitude of ways to legally be financially free. You do need to know the laws, I’ll do my best to share what I have learned on my journey.
How to Stay Out
What I did
01
Build your Financial Independence
You must find a way to not “need” your ex-spouse. When you do, it creates leverage for them and therefore implies an element of control over you and your kids. Your first goal is to prove to yourself that you can do it alone. Then be able to live from that independence. And after, you get to make decisions based off of what’s best for your kids, not because you need funding to survive. Trust me, the life you will build looks drastically different than if you are still financially dependent on your ex-spouse.
02
Remember Your Story
For me, this was part of why I started to share. Sharing reminded me of how far I had come. It reminded me of every hurdle my God had won. And when I look back on where I have been, I am confident of where I am going because I know there’s nothing he won’t do for me and my kids. The past has lost all appeal because I’m after a beautiful future.
03
Don’t Quit. Don’t Stop.
If I could tell the girl who is trying to stay out one thing it would be this: Don’t quit. Just keep moving. Keep fighting. Every day pick up your sword. When I was younger my Dad used to tell me, “The world eventually makes room for those who refuse to quit.” He was right. There is space for you in a happy life. Your name is on it, you just need to make it there.
Keep going. You aren’t alone.
Testimony
The purpose of my story is that it changes yours too.
3 Years Free & Financially Independent
Staying Out
The darkest moments are rarely talked about…
See I believe that if more people were willing to share about the depths of pain they have experienced then more people would be able to share in their healing. We rarely survive alone.
How to build Financial Stability
Stabilizing your finances after abuse.
I just demoted myself and was on track to be a SAHM when my life spun wildly out of control, I left and never went back. I quickly was in more debt then I could repay and drowning in legal fees.
But here I am today in a radically different story. Let’s talk about how to build back one of the most crucial parts of staying out of abuse….your finances.
Coming soon!
Let’s talk about the heart
The Story of the Heart
Today you broke, and tomorrow you may break again. You seem to spend countless days lost in a fight of survival, unseen, unheard but fighting nonetheless.
“Keep going”, those words incite a bitterness on your heart you attempt to cleanse, in one phrase many have offered a vain attempt to sympathize and yet offer nothing tangible. If only words could save the world yours would look a lot different…
Have Questions?
Frequently Asked
Questions for Staying Out of Abuse.
Frequently Asked Questions
For me, the season that I now call “Staying Out” was probably the hardest season of my life. It’s that in between season, where everyone else thinks you made it, and yet to you, your world has never been more upside down.
Why do I want to go back?
There are so many reasons when it comes to abuse that make hard to stay out. Neurologically, you’ve been conditioned to believe it’s what you deserve. Economically, the world is hard and it’s a lot easier financially to do life with kids when there are two adults. Mentally, you know what to expect…this life you are dreaming of, well right now you are fighting to believe it’s real.
…It is.
Tell me more about your experience.
Staying out of abuse is the most difficult period of your fight for freedom, because it’s here that all of the mindsets you learned in abuse come to the surface. You are faced daily with the war between what you want to believe your worth vs. the lies you were told of your “less than” value. Your heart and your head are in constant conflict trying to uproot all the lies he told you.
When does the battle stop, when do I get to heal?
I once asked someone this question and she gave me the best answer and that is this…One day, after days of fighting for the life you are now dreaming of, after facing all the darkness that once surrounded you…one day you look back and you realize, you healed. You made it. There is no fanfare, there’s no applause. It’s just you and peace for the first time in what feels like ages. It does end. Darkness always yields to light.
What can I do to start to break trauma cycles?
The brutal reality is that anything that we fear, we allow to have control over us. Trauma cycles are rooted in fear. It is a neurological conditioning that you experienced, that lives within your mind. In order to break that cycle you must be willing to face the fears that the trauma cycle is rooted in. For me, I would ask myself, what I was afraid of…and I would sit with that feeling until I found it, then I would do whatever it took to conquer that fear.
I have no idea what to do next, but I’m hopeless, how do I not go back?
First, you remove going back from ever being an option. To me, returning was not an option. I knew who I left, I saw who he was. And he wasn’t safe. Therefore you decide to never return. Second, when you’ve done everything else that you can practically do (more info about these steps in the blog), then you stand. You survive. I promise, the light will break the darkness, because in the end light always wins.
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