How to discover feminine you after abuse:

I still remember how I felt when I finally realized why I couldn’t just feel pretty or beautiful again. It was the strangest thing. I used to, before I dated him, and definitely before things got bad. But being a year out, the divorce finalized, and a single parent….I didn’t feel pretty. That’s when I realized, Abuse is a direct attack on femininity.

Let me explain, We ladies love to feel safe. Sure, we can be independent, strong, formidable forces but at the end of the day we want to feel safe. We want to feel protected. When abuse occurs it teaches us on a deep neurological level to self-protect and keep our guard up. We are taught that the only way to be safe is to put a shield around, and build a fortress around our hearts.

Further, home is supposed to be safe but when the one you trust to protect you and your kids becomes the greatest threat, your focus moves from home is my “safe space” to ….

….home is the place where he becomes the worst version of himself,

…home is the place that I must self-protect and

…home is the place that I must be the protector.

Abuse teaches us that we aren’t safe. If we don’t feel safe then we are always going to be on guard, and when that’s the case…feminine you isn’t realized. She can’t be, she’s not the priority, the life of you and your kids-that becomes all you think about, because your life has become protecting them. He not only failed to protect you, but also became your family’s greatest threat. It puts a whole new layer of self-protection that we later have to break through in order to find our feminine selves again.

Now, I could go on about how to break the walls of self-protection but what I really want to focus on is how to engage the feminine you that’s hidden under that fortress you had to build around yourself to stay safe.

So let’s take a journey into the fortress I built to stay safe. Here are some of the ways I began to free that part of my soul fear had to hide.

1. Give yourself permission to be safe

This may sound like a funny place to start but it’s core to rewiring that part of your brain that will start to stumble back to the lie that says “I’m not safe”… and then whoops feminine you is back in hiding. Sometimes, it’s as simple as self talk, and whispering to yourself “I am safe”. Other times I would just need to step outside and breathe deep three times and each time feel myself exist in the new world I was starting to build, the world outside of abuse. You can also find some tips in here as I discuss bravely healing into the new version of yourself. Whether it’s self-talk or reminding yourself that you are here in this safe reality, the point is to tell your brain, fear isn’t needed right now.

2. Discover what you like and don’t like

I still remember that point where someone would ask me what I wanted and I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what I wanted, because what I wanted I wasn’t used to being something of value. Read that again. You have been trained via abuse that what you want is not valued. So now we get to go through the discovery process of finding out what we want and don’t want. Which can can actually be very freeing.

I would go into stores, when I could sneak away without kids, find random items and ask myself, “do I like this?”.

Then, I would give myself permission to respond however I felt fit which may have been, “That is the most hideous shirt I’ve ever seen” or “That’s adorable, I think I would like that”. Sometimes I would even go as far as trying on things that I thought I would like just to find out for sure.

3. Create yourself.

Sit down with a journal and describe the person you want to become, describe her in all the ways that you can put words to. What is her style like? Her temperament? Her hair?

Here’s a secret: You cannot fail. There is no version of you that you could create that would be a failure. If you want to cut your hair short, cut it short. If you want to try new make up, try it. If you want to try a new style, do it.

Sometimes we have to try one thing to lead us to what really feels like us.

Give yourself permission to create yourself however you want to imagine yourself to be. Maybe it’s as simple as buying some different eyeshadow, maybe it’s that you find an actress who you really relate to so you choose to watch that actress more. Whatever it is, you have permission to discover what makes you feel like you.

4. Start a Pinterest Board

Most ladies have a Pinterest, some of us have a ridiculous amount of pinned items… set that aside. Start a new board, for just you. When the kids are finally sleeping or you can snag a breather, grab your favorite coffee, and sit down with your phone… Search and pin whatever you feel like. There are NO RULES. Yep, Pin away with whatever you feel like, but dream, dream about you. Make this board about just you, and all you dream to be.

You may be surprised how quickly the woman who was hidden starts to find her voice again.