I had two choices: Heal within the war or heal after the war….

Now this all sounds simple, until you’re in it. When life has been a war, you become the fight. That’s just how it works. You become the shield your kids need, you become their strength, you become the best protector you ever imagined, and you stand between them and any threat the world could bring, foreign or…..domestic. But what if you could do that and also feel safe again? What if you could keep protecting them but break the trauma from continuing in your own soul? What if in the midst of war, you could find gentle you again?

How I let the war release the gentleness within me:

First, there’s a caveat, and that’s this. You must be committed to your healing because once you start to rise from the grave and walk out as the girl that death tried to bury, your entire heart opens. Every wound, every fear…it happens because you are finally allowing your heart not to be in “survival mode”. It would be easier to stay in the grave, it would be comfortable to stay in the trauma hidden in your heart. But I promise you, there is such beauty on the other side of your healing. This has been my process, I hope it helps you find the you under the trauma. She’s worth it, shift your focus from fighting the war to fighting for her…… because the girl you will find fights differently.

1. Feel and Affirm Your Soul: Sometimes I would feel so raw, and it was normally not at a convenient time. But I would sit there, even if for just a minute and I would feel it. I would notice how my body was embracing this “rawness”. And then I would tell myself that it was okay, that I was okay. I would tell my soul that I was safe. And I would remind myself that this rawness was valid, that my life has been scary, but that I don’t have to be afraid. Then if needed, I could look back on all God has already done, he brought me so far, and he wouldn’t quit on me. He was going to see me through to my healing, to the restoring of the gentleness within my soul.
2. Imagine Healed You: This was one of my favorite ways to heal. In order to create a new reality you must first imagine it, have some idea or inclination of what it is that you are looking to create. This is true when we are thinking of ourselves as well, in many ways what we imagine our better selves to be is exactly who we truly are. Brianna Wiest says this best in her book, “The Mountain is You“*. (If you haven’t read it, it’s a priority read for those looking to heal). You’ve been so brave to get this far but this next step might take all the bravery you can draw within your soul. Take time to bravely imagine everything you are after you heal. Let your soul meet her, let them know each other. And focus on her, because over time you’ll find that girl is the truest version of you.
3. Let it Go: I had a close friend tell me that she had wasted 10 years of her life worrying about her kids and their custody situation. This hit hard. I was 33 years old, and knew if I didn’t take her advice I would regret it. But ironically as I began to enjoy time again, it was like my world got even harder. The legal battle didn’t stop and everything else seemed to be out of my control. I couldn’t do more than I was doing, yet as I continued forward her words whispered to my soul. What if I just let go and stopped worrying? In some ways I felt like I was betraying my responsibility by doing so, even though worry wasn’t adding anything to my life. My worry was an illusion of control and until I could embrace that I really had no control, I was going to spend my days unable to reach the deeper parts of my soul because I was consumed by worry. Worry kept me in “survival mode” and if I ever wanted to live my life again, love again and heal fully…. I had to choose to let it go because I needed to reach what was underneath all the worry.
4. Give Grace. The last piece that I will share is that you have to give grace to others and to yourself. You have to embody it. You may need to remind yourself, “It’s okay, you’re safe. You don’t need to defend yourself, you don’t need to respond like you would in war…that won’t get you where you want to go.” Then I would take it a step further, and I would talk to future me, and I would ask her what she would do (Again this concept came from Brianna Wiest who does an amazing job of explaining it’s healing function in “The Mountain is You”*)…. the answer might surprise you. But remember the version of yourself that you imagine is healed, she isn’t reacting anymore, she responds, in love, grace and gentleness.

Remember she is you.

To me, it was so relieving when I started to imagine what gentle me would do*. I slowly became softer, but more then that it opened a whole world to that girl that I knew would rise from the ashes one day. It was like my rebuild story was just getting started and at the beginning was me. I think that’s how it happens, in order to build the world we’ve been waiting for, we have to become the person who believes they are worthy of it, capable of stewarding it, and able to choose it. The world I’m building is where healed me exists and as I become her, that world I’m dreaming of begins to emerge as well.

Keep going. You are going to make it. The war may not end but they way you fight it will be different as you allow your soul to live again, breathe again, and rebuild the life you were meant for.

*Hill, B. (2020). The mountain is you: Transforming self-sabotage into self-mastery [Audiobook].