About me.

Little did I realize when I got married that my life would spiral wildly out of control a few years later. What was supposed to be my happily ever after instead became a living nightmare. I had just relocated to the beautiful area of Boise, Idaho. I had just graduated college and was excited to start my new adventure. I met him just a few months after I relocated. He was charming, kind, and consistent…he seemed to be my perfect match.

We started dating, and he kept the charm going… I was starting to think this one might last, starting to believe that maybe he could be this good. He would be the first person I’d call if I needed anything, he was so much of what I hoped for in my “happily ever after”. We got married the following year we met.

Then about two months after we said “I do” everything started to shift. Changes happened slowly at first then they seemed to come like tsunami. He wasn’t the man I married and sure wasn’t the man I dated. He started to “shift”, it was as if things would come out of thin air. From the words he would say in arguments to the way his temper began to escalate, to the very odd comments containing elements of violence I’d never imagined someone saying…

He would later be diagnosed with psychiatric issues, but at that point, I was just lost, hurting and beginning to wonder how life could slip so quickly into a sea of darkness. The words became violent actions, and the odd behaviors escalated. Over the next year or so things would escalate beyond what I ever could have imagined. Purely out of attempt to survive the nightmare I was living, I began talking…

I began sharing with friends and family what was happening inside my home and the experiences I was having. I began what I now realize was my first step to freedom. As the violence escalated so did the uncontrolled anger outbursts and the “cycles” continued.

I tried everything I knew, I prayed, went to church, tried therapy, tried couples counseling, asked others for counsel…yet still it got worse. The darkness, violence and abuse seemed to consume everything I hoped home would be, now here I was, one adorable little boy, the best puppy (named AK) and 10 weeks pregnant with our second child.

One day after our 2-year anniversary, he had yet another episode. I remember it very clearly, because it was one of the times I recall watching the “switch” happen. One minute he was happy and the next it was like an interaction with darkness itself. I remember standing near the front door listening to his verbal assaults, which typically preceded the anger and violence, it was like I was watching a life that wasn’t my own. I realized then and there that it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, it would never matter. He would continue to bring this abuse until he no longer allowed himself to be owned by it. The night progressed and so did the violence, much worse than it had been. My dog, AK, was 3 days away from turning 3 years old… that night he came between my then husband and I. AK was killed for it.

My then husband took him out to the same location he took our infant son to 7 months earlier and killed him. He put him in his create, shot him in the back of the head with a .22 rifle. He came back that night with my truck (yes, he brutally murdered my best friend in the back of my own truck), a puddle of blood 2 feet by 4 feet or so, hack marks everywhere. Later I would find he read nearly 40 court cases prior to this event, as it was premeditated, he “flagged” my dog in a photo on Facebook a few weeks earlier and when I asked him what he did to him he told me that if he shared, he would lose custody of his kids and go to prison.

To this day I don’t know the details of what happened that night but I do know that AK is forever my hero and theirs. He saved our life. And every day he is still saving me.

I would slowly realize that this was the very beginning of a long road to freedom. To date there has been multiple court cases, multiple restraining orders, and multiple violations of those restraining orders, $1000’s in legal fees, and a journey I never would have imagined. The night he killed him, was the night I left. Per issuance of a protection order I was given the right to leave the state. And I did.

I began what I think of now as my road to freedom, because getting out was truly only the beginning of the fight. Here I was, two kids, a small van of stuff and leaving the place that became my prison. The place that was supposed to be my home. The place I was supposed to feel most safe.

Here, you will find my story, my healing, my rebuild, and where I am now. I am here, in the life I have rebuilt. A place I’ve grown to love, a place where…

Home is safe.

Joy is present.

…And my kids are happy, loved, and growing.

I promise you that you can get out, and I don’t even know your story. But here’s what I do know, there is a God so big, and so powerful. And he is not a God of abuse. He is light, he is hope, he is safe. I can’t even recount how many things I have seen him do, from providing finances to living arrangements, to finally being in our own place again. The way I have seen him move for me and for my kids has forever changed my life. He isn’t done and my story isn’t over. God still moves, day in and day out as I heal, and shows up in every piece of custody litigation I still face. God never fails.

So here’s to breaking the silence, you are not alone. All of heaven is fighting for your freedom.

One last thing, there were many, many times in my story where I had no idea how I would make it, but I knew God did, and I knew that if he would show up for me, then he would show up for you. I told him that countless times, I would tell him, that “it’s not enough for me to just get my kids out, there are thousands of women with the same story. Give me a testimony that can guide them to their freedom”.

My story isn’t just written for me, it’s written for you, so you can know that you can get out too.

Together we can break the cycle.

So read on, take a look around, but start to believe in freedom again, because I promise you, freedom is possible.