Healing into the Braver You.

History is filled with stories of the heroine who takes the stage, conquers and reigns… the beautiful girl who was strong enough to make it, the princess who seemed to never break. In modern day, the women who often are the loudest women’s right’s activists, the ladies who speak of the “Independent woman” as if it’s a status to reach… but what happens inside the heroine when she has fought all wars that are required of her?

What happens when the war is over?

THIS is what I wished more people talked about. You can be a kick butt single mom. You can rebuild your life after so much trauma. You can conquer every battle, but then what? What are we when the war stops and your bravery is no longer needed in the same way it was.

Because if you are anything like me, you may have thought that your bravery would always be needed. After all, it’s been what your life has required for so long. But let me remind you, your bravery was needed to get out of one world and into another. Your new world will require this bravery shows up unlike you’ve known before. And if you don’t become that version of yourself you will carry yourself into war after war, simply because it’s what you’re used to.

Healing into the “Braver You”.

This is where healing is imperative. All the bravery that got you out of that abusive home is the bravery that is going to enable you to face the trauma you overcame. You have to channel that same strength into the bravery to heal. When you do this, you enable yourself to level up and embody a version of bravery that you’ve never known before. You have to break the lie that tells you that life will always be a fight.

The version of you that got out of abuse isn’t the same version of you that is needed as you enter into the world you are creating. The world you are creating, maybe for the first time in your life, is safe. Home is safe. Love is safe. You and your kids are safe.

Why did safe just become scary?

It’s the strangest thing to me but I know that there are so many mom’s out there who get it: When you’ve faced abuse and you finally start to rebuild a SAFE home, you face a fear unlike you would expect. It’s the fear of loss, of pain, of abuse happening again… not for any legitimate reason necessarily but because it’s what happened the last time you did this.

The last time I built home with someone, he became abusive, and mentally unstable. The last time I had weekends with someone they were riddled with angry outbursts and abusive behavior. The last time, I put pictures of my family on the walls of our home, that family shattered.

Ending the narrative of what happened “last time”.

When you begin to enter the world you are dreaming of you have to face every story that your scared heart will tell you of what happened “last time“. This is where you embody a new bravery: You face the loss that happened “last time” and you write the new chapter.

What you can do to heal into the Braver You:

  1. Notice when you are suddenly afraid of loss, or have strange visions or ideas of tragedy happening. This is potentially forms of PTSD or anxiety due to the trauma you experienced. A good therapist can help you work through this process if it becomes too complex to navigate alone.
  2. Look around, feel your feet on the floor, breathe deep… and remember the world that you are in now is not the world that you came from. It can also help to start feeling your five senses. For example, start with sight, name 5 things you can see that you love in the life you created, then touch, touch 4 things you love in this life you have created and so on.
  3. Remind yourself “I am safe here”. Remember the point is to change your perspective from the fear that you once knew to focus on the safety you are now living in.
  4. Once you have a firm grasp on feeling safe again, begin to rewrite the narrative, You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become through it. Sometimes it can be helpful to write down some ways that you are so proud of you.
  5. Take the time to bravely face the fear that once controlled you, look it in the face, and remind it that you left that fear in the grave. You don’t need to be afraid, you are safe. Remember, you are free.

Moving forward.

I have two little kids… and I can’t tell you how many times, my greatest concern was them. And it still is. They are my kids. MY kids. I would give my whole world to save theirs. Period, no delay, no negotiations, I would give MY LIFE for theirs in a second. My ex-husband is always going the one who helped bring them into this world and he may decide to spend the next 16 of their “minor child” years attempting to gain custody, but that DOES NOT mean that I need to spend the next 16 years worried about them.

God got us out. God got us here. And, God is going to continue to do what God does and that is to protect his kids. I will always do my part as a parent in protecting my kids legally, physically and emotionally, but the greatest form of bravery I have from here is to bravely heal, sealing the trauma in the chapter, and moving forward. In this version of bravery, I can love them at a different capacity, I can fiercely show them what safe, healthy relationship looks like and I can give them the life that I have been fighting for this whole time.

I can bravely show them the world I’ve built so they can always know what a healed heart and safe home look like. My kids DESERVE a safe home, and so do yours.

breann shannell