You can get out.
I did and I’m here to show you how.
I was that church girl who found herself in an abusive marriage. Most people had no idea how to help but as I navigated my way through I found that many, many women had similar stories. Many are still there, caught in the abuse that fills their homes, afraid to leave, and unsure how.
This is for her, the mom, the wife… that needs a friend.
xoxo,
Hey girl,
I am so glad you are here, and I give you the hugest hug, because my guess is you are here because you too are trying to get out of abuse. My name is Breann, and I am here to share my story with one primary hope… I want my story to give you the hope that yours can change too.
I remember being in my abusive marriage and wondering what to do next. While I know that there are many resources and hotlines out there, what I really wanted was to know that someone saw me and knew what my heart was feeling. I wanted someone who had been right where I had been who could help me sort through the chaos that seemed to become my home.
Through my journey I realized that there are so many women who have spent years trapped in the darkness that lives inside there home. They feel isolated, trapped and alone. The more stories I heard the more I knew. My mission is her.
I want my story to give you hope that yours can change too.
My Mission is Her.
“Her”, the girl who is still trapped inside her own home. And if this is you, then yes, you are my mission. You see, I told God that if he would get me out then I would help you get out. I would find you. And I would help free you.
So if this is you, then please know my story is here for you. Below you will find the short version of what I did to get out, it’s meant to be a starting place. But there’s so much more I have to share with you and that’s why I created Through the Grave. To help find you. Free you. And help you heal.
Let’s begin your journey out.
There’s so much to know about the path that lies ahead of you on your journey towards freedom. But first, know this, there is a God who will protect you and your kids and he won’t fail you. Trust him. There will be plenty of times where the world will tell you to quit having faith, stay strong. Your faith can change the story and you can be free.
Tips to get out
Getting Out: Freedom is on the other side of these 3 things.
Hello! If you have not checked out The Journey Out of Abuse: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3, I encourage you to read those as well. But if you are here and you’ve done the hard work to determine that leaving is the best option but you just can’t bring yourself to do it, then this post is for you.
You are the most powerful person in your story. Read that again.
Breann Shannell
Here are the first steps to take if you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out:
1
Document. Document everything. Trust me when I say that after you get out you will need to remember all of what is happening around you. Document every argument, incident or event.
2
Grab Bag + Phone. Get a bag of essentials together for you and your kids, you may choose to leave it with a friend or neighbor nearby. You don’t need a lot, just enough to last maybe 48 hours. Don’t forget the baby formula and diapers if your kids are little. Put in this bag a “burner” phone also called a pre-pay phone.
3
Finances. If at all possible open a secondary (private) bank account, start putting a small amount of funds aside as you go. If you can’t open an account, save all the money you can in a secret location. Last, and this may surprise you, open any credit cards you can. It will give you access to funds later that you may desperately need.
4
Seek Legal Advice. Find out what specifically constitutes domestic violence in your area, remember to document these behaviors as they happen. Find out if there are any local resources that cover a “probono” (aka free) attorney.
5
Report incidents to the police. This one is sticky, as it can also be a great risk to retaliatory behavior and will likely occur when you are very near to leaving. However, as you begin to report incidents, you create a record that you will likely need later so I encourage you to use discretion and inform law enforcement when at all possible. They are there to protect you.
Getting out
Top 5 Mindsets of an Abuse Survivor
Your road to freedom begins with your mindset. Learn about essential mindsets to hold to when you are getting out of an abusive relationship.
What to do next?
Below you will find three primary stages of getting your life back after abuse. This is what I found to be the most helpful as I was on my own journey, it made me focus on which stage of the process I was naturally in. There is no timeline for each stage and they also may overlap. However knowing what stage or stages you are in will help you prioritize what needs to happen today to keep your journey moving forward.
01
Getting Out
I will guide you through how I discovered when it was time for me to leave and my personal advice on how to get out in the safest way possible. My goal is to share the things I wish I knew when I was where you are today.
02
Staying Out
You’ve fought hell to get out, now it’s here you fight hell to stay out. You can do this. It does end and you can overcome. I’ll walk you through my battle through the grave, I’ll share with you how I found the strength to rise.
03
Rebuilding Your Life
I remember what it was like to fight to stay out and then feel like all support left, your finances, your career, your new home…Your life feels like a war town battle ground. Trust me, everything can be rebuilt. I’ll show you how.
I built home once. I can build it again.
My personal Mantra
Frequently Asked Questions about Getting out of Abuse.
I’m afraid I’m in an abusive relationship but how do I know?
I define abuse as any behavior that is in direct conflict to what would be considered loving & respectful behavior. This includes all forms of physical, financial, sexual, spiritual, mental and psychological abuse (although abusive behaviors extend beyond those listed). It is also important to note that abuse does not have to be intentional. In the case of many undiagnosed personality disorders, the abusing individual may not realize their behavior is unacceptable. However often addressing the behavior is the same regardless if its done knowingly or not.
Breaking trauma cycles.
There is a generation of women rising up to reclaim the health of their family unit. God is against abuse and I believe we will see an increase of stories where children are protected, cycles are broken, and families are redeemed.
What if I have kids and everyone tells me that I will have to share custody?
While the family court system is deficient in many ways, I have seen God move through the courts countless times. There is a huge status quo about what to expect in family law cases. But I believe God is breaking that status quo with women who are rising up to protect their kids and standing against generational trauma with a belief in the goodness of God.
How do I know what to do next?
Sometimes when we don’t know what to do, it’s best to just start… read the blog, take a look around, journal, take a walk…there’s a lot to take in. Start imagining your life without abuse, vision drives progress.
My church is telling me to stay. What do I do?
If it’s abuse, God does not condone it. Period. A marriage cannot heal when abuse is condoned. Sometimes the best thing for you, is the very thing that’s going to offend some Christians. Let them be offended, you owe it to yourself and your kids to create a space of safety.
Have additional inquiries?
We are here to help. Let’s engage in a conversation.
